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Taking stock.

It's what almost everyone on teh 'net appears to be doing, so I thought I'd do it too. Looking over my more recent entries (ha, recent, but you know what I mean) I've realised that I've at least got over worrying about my identity.

Queer is a hell of an easier label. I don't get the gender thing I'm supposed to put on people, and I barely recognise gender in myself very often, I just look/act how I feel, and sometimes I wish I could look more androgynous. I enjoyed binding for Chris' wedding, even though I also enjoy having boobs. Meh on gender. I can't be arsed with it, and labelling myself anything other than ase, pan or queer pulls gender into the ring.

I can simultaneously feel 'attraction' for everyone and for no one. I can't be bothered to pick apart a phrase like 'sexual attraction' and what I mean by it and what others mean by it, especially as everyone appears to experience it differently. I obviously have definite differences in experience, but I still feel drawn to people, I even have 'types' to some degree, which blur all over the place. The only kind of person I've never fallen head over heels for is a very binary-gendered one - girlygirly girl on manlymanly man. It seems to be the people in between who I care most for, and those who are a little queer themselves, I'm yet to fall for someone who's not a bit queer at some level, or who I at least think so at the time.

Relationships. I don't view them in a binary of 'you are going out/in love or not' - I see the rambley differences in my relaitonships between my closest friends and the people I want to be with and the people I care about. They blur a lot, and I find it hard to tell the difference between platonic and romantic a lot of the time - I know for certain occasionally, but most of the time I just enjoy being close to people and don't give a damn about what I'm supposed to feel as long as everyone is happy. I certainly don't think I've fallen in love yet - at least I hope not, or it's only hurt me so far. I don't understand jealousy, I don't understand why I'm supposed to feel bad if I fall for people confusingly - and I'm fine with polyness, although at the moment I'm yet to fall for more than one person simultaneously - usually falling for a new person is a relief that I've mostly got over the last, with my track record.

If all that can't be happily reconciled under 'queer' I don't know what can. I view and experience gender, relationships, even attraction queerly. Seems to be a simple definition really.